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Just before we turned the corner onto our street, he stopped suddenly and asked what was wrong. I had no idea what to say and just stood there awkwardly.. again. He leant back against the wall and said “look, the other day...” but I cut him off, “it’s cool, don’t worry about it.” I tried to avoid his eyes as he looked at me intensely, pausing a moment, then he blurted out “I’m sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve wanted you since that first night we met, but you’ve been so hot and cold since then. Then seeing you like that, and the way you said my name, it absolutely destroyed me!” I looked up at him, distracted by his lips momentarily as I tried to process how to answer him, when suddenly they were on mine. It took me a moment to respond, lost in the feel of his soft lips as my mind raced ahead to what else they could do. I caught myself before I fell down that rabbit hole and pushed him away, feeling guilty I that I hadn’t reacted sooner. I stepped back, “sorry I. So whilst you indulge yourself in girlie ecstasy and effeminacy, there is this common discomforting interface with the real world as you repeatedly peek through the blinds, or from behind the curtains lest she arrive home earlier than expected. The guilt builds up and conflates with an intense shame.“Boys and men don’t dress up in stockings and women’s underwear and masturbate.” “Why does feeling all girlie and effeminate feel so good?”“I must be some kind of depraved pervert, a queer, a fag”. “What would she say, and do, if she caught you?”You start to develop dark imagery of being caught, exposed and humiliated. They fill you with intense fear but, through constant association with the sensual and emotional girlie pleasures you’re immersed in, and the erotic ecstasy of pleasuring yourself and slowly bring yourself to climax, they conflate into a kind of dark fantasy which arouses you. After you’ve climaxed, with the erotic arousal spent, you suddenly see yourself not as the girl.
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